The patient's [sic] ward again. Now it is daytime, and the room is seemingly empty. From the DR door comes a knock. [Note--I seem to recall that these plays had to be done in nine acts only. That being said, the eighth act of my play is WAY overlong compared to the rest (an indication of my difficulty with length limits), and the action moves around in such a way that I don't think it would be possible if done on the stage!]
DR. LEVITICUS (Offstage) Hello? Leonard? Hector? Anybody awake? (The door opens and he comes in, looking around, puzzled) Hello? Cookie? Edwin? Edwin, your plants are calling you. (Chuckles) Looks like there's nobody home. Now I wonder what they could be up to. Nothing Dr. Conroy can't handle without getting a few gray hairs. (Chuckles; he starts as BILLY emerges from behind a bed, staring at him) Billy. What are you doing here? Why didn't you answer my call?
BILLY (Faking a fit, pulling at his hair, eyes wild) I can't take it anymore, Doc! It's driving me crazy! Ha ha! I already am crazy! I've fallen down so low and now I CAN'T GET BACK UP!!
DR. LEVITICUS (Looking stunned) Now, now, Billy, everything's all right. Just calm down, and I'll call in one of the nurses--
BILLY No! Don't you dare! (Jumps up on top of a nightstand) I'll jump! I swear I'll jump!
DR. LEVITICUS Billy--this is ridiculous--
BILLY That's what they always said to me, Doc! Ha ha! But they won't say it anymore! I won't let them! I'm going to end it all right now! (Pulls out a fake knife with a retractable blade) They were right! I'd never amount to anything but a MENTAL CASE!!
DR. LEVITICUS (Panicking) Billy! This is ridiculous! Stop this right now! Give me the knife, and you'll be all right! Billy, are you listening to me? BILLY--!
BILLY theatrically raises the knife high above his head and pretends to stab himself in the chest. With that he lets out a terrible groan and falls off the nightstand onto the bed, onto his stomach so DR. LEVITICUS can't see the lack of blood. [Note--cripes, I can't believe this was considered suitable for high school.] DR. LEVITICUS, shocked, backs away from the prone figure and rushes from the room, out into a hallway much like the one near his office, running smack into LEONARD.
LEONARD Pez.
DR. LEVITICUS Leonard, call for help! Billy's hurt himself! I don't know if he'll survive!
LEONARD Pez?
DR. LEVITICUS Billy, dammit! [Note--WHOA--cuss words!!] The depressed one! The one who's always saying--oh, never mind, I'll get help myself! (Runs offstage, leaving LEONARD behind)
LEONARD (Snorting, annoyed) Pez Pez Pez. Pez! (Exits at DL)
The scene shifts to the group therapy room. [Note--again illustrating my lack of understanding of how plays actually work.] DR. LEVITICUS enters from the L and looks around. DAVE is there, staring at his hands. The doctor rushes to him.
DR. LEVITICUS Dave! Dave, am I glad I found you! Find Dr. Conroy--get the nurses, the doctors! Quickly!
DAVE I can't do that, Doctor. [Note--possible homage to 2001: A Space Odyssey?]
DR. LEVITICUS Why not? This is an emergency!
DAVE So is this! Look at this! (Holds up his hands) Isn't this terrible? I washed and washed and it won't go away!
DR. LEVITICUS Dave, there's nothing wrong with your hands! Now get up and call Dr. Conroy! Now!
DAVE (Offended) And get germs? No way! I've got enough bacteria on me as it is! Did you know that there's this one kind of bacteria that can reproduce itself every half second? Isn't that horrid? I bet they're floating all around us! (Shudders)
DR. LEVITICUS God, are you all losing your flipping minds?!
DR. LEVITICUS rushes from the room at DR. The scene reopens in the institution cafeteria, a room much like the group therapy room, only with round tables set up here and there, a food counter on the L side, and a salad bar in back, UC. Here COOKIE and JARVEY are sitting, talking to each other. DR. LEVITICUS dashes to them, panting and in a panic.
COOKIE (Innocently) Why, Dr. Leviticus. What's wrong?
DR. LEVITICUS (Gasping for breath, leaning on a chair) Cookie...Jarvey...get help! Billy's hurt! Quickly--in the ward!
JARVEY You came to us to tell us that? Pfft! What a trifle. (Turns away, his head still turned to the right, and smiles at COOKIE; DR. LEVITICUS sees the dreamy-eyed look they share)
DR. LEVITICUS What is this?
JARVEY In case you wanted to know, Cookie and I are getting married!
DR. LEVITICUS Married?!
COOKIE He proposed to me last night over a game of Thinking, Feeling, Doing! Isn't that romantic? (Giggles hysterically)
DR. LEVITICUS Are you two completely nuts?!
JARVEY AND COOKIE (Surprised at this question, all innocence) Why, of course, Doctor.
DR. LEVITICUS (Frustrated) Aaarrgh! There's got to be somebody sane around here!
He leaves the room again, rushing down yet another hall, until he enters the rec room. This is a large gymnasium, about the only place in the institution that isn't painted white. The floor is a golden wood, very highly polished; the walls are painted with all kinds of bright, happy pictures of animals and flowers. Basketball hoops are at either end, and a badminton/volleyball net is set up at CR, unused. [Note--now I'm aware that that should be "at BOTH ends," not "at EITHER end."] Wrestling mats are pushed up at UCR against the wall. Several basketballs and volleyballs are resting here and there. EDWIN and HECTOR occupy this room, the former talking softly to a small potted plant he holds, the latter bouncing a basketball up and down ferociously. DR. LEVITICUS accosts them.
DR. LEVITICUS You two! You two there! Where's Dr. Conroy?
HECTOR (Defensively) How would we know? Huh? Tell me that.
DR. LEVITICUS Hector, this is a matter of life or death. Now if you'll tell me where--
HECTOR (Going into a tantrum) I KNEW IT!! It was YOU! You set us all up for the slaughterhouse! You think you and your Knights are so smart, don't you? You don't know the BEGINNING of it! Because, you see, I'M COLUMBUS!!!
EDWIN (Looking up at the doctor from his spot on the floor) Isn't he crazy, Dr. Leviticus?
DR. LEVITICUS (Backing away from the advancing HECTOR) Now Hector--let's not be too hasty--! [Note--Mr. Cady put a comma between "Now" and "Hector."]
HECTOR You never knew, did you? Ha ha ha! Now you do! Yes! I'm Columbus! I'm Columbus and I've come to destroy you! (Tosses his head back and laughs maniacally)
EDWIN Henrietta and Francisca told me all about him, Dr. Leviticus! Did you know that he killed three people but it's not on his record? It's all part of a big government cover-up. Francisca told me so. Isn't that so, Francisca? (Nuzzles the potted tulip he's holding)
DR. LEVITICUS You're all mad!
HECTOR (Still advancing towards DR. LEVITICUS) You're right I'm mad! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore! (Screaming) 'Cause I'M COLUMBUS!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
DR. LEVITICUS runs from the room into the hallway, smacking right into F. M., who looks at him in puzzlement.
F. M. Why, Dr. Leviticus! Whatever's the matter?
DR. LEVITICUS Oh no, not you too! I'm not going to fall for that "Oh gosh" innocence of yours! I know you're all lunatics! It must be a full moon! This is a nuthouse!
F. M. Well, of course it is, Doctor. Only I believe the politically correct term is mental institution.
DR. LEVITICUS (Laughing madly, now seeming as crazy as one of them) Ha ha ha! Not for long, my boy! Not for long! You see, I'm going to have this place torn down! And the sooner, the better!
F. M. (Feigning surprise) But--Dr. Leviticus--what about all of us? Where will we go?
DR. LEVITICUS You could go to the moon for all I care! But there's a place waiting for you downstate--a nice little nuthouse where you can spend the rest of your days! And let me stress "little"! You'll be so cramped, you'd wish you were living in a sardine can!!
DR. CONROY (Offstage) Is that so, Doctor?
DR. CONROY appears from the DR, along with his SECRETARY, BILLY, and several other PSYCHIATRISTS and JANITORS. He crosses his arms and glowers at the doctor while the other doctors close in around him.
DR. LEVITICUS (Surprised) Dr. ...Dr. Conroy. [Note--there's a space between the period and the ellipsis.] And Billy! What are you doing here? You just--you just--
BILLY Stabbed myself? Oh yes, I did, didn't I? Well, not quite--(Pulls out the fake knife, handing it to DR. CONROY) Here, Dr. Conroy, I believe you'd be wanting this back.
DR. LEVITICUS (Stupefied) "Back"?
DR. CONROY Of course, Dr. Leviticus. Don't you remember my little jaunt to Mackinac Island last summer? I got this there. Only a dollar, too. Quite a handy little thing, now. (Putting knife in his pocket)
F. M. Now do you believe me, Dr. Conroy?
DR. CONROY (Sighing regretfully) Yes, Fisker. I didn't want to, but now I do.
DR. LEVITICUS What are you talking about?
DR. CONROY (Frowning darkly) You know very well, Dr. Leviticus. Or should I say Mr. Leviticus. Because after today, you won't be needing that degree anymore.
DR. LEVITICUS (Still struggling to look innocent) Whatever do you mean by that?
While they have been talking the other PATIENTS have been filtering in from the same direction as the others, surrounding him and giving him vicious looks, even EDWIN. Now they close in, wanting to be heard.
HECTOR Come off it! You know very well what it is he's talking about!
BILLY That's right. Cutting the funding for the institution, and then having it demolished!
DAVE And leave us all out in the cold, out with all those germs!
COOKIE How could you, you--you--bad man!
DR. LEVITICUS I have no idea what any of you are talking about!
JARVEY Tear down Northampton? Our home? Didn't you ever stop to think that maybe nobody else wants us?
EDWIN And leave behind all my little preciouses! Truly you are a bad man! I should have known, Francisca told me from the start that you were fishy. (Sniffs and nuzzles the tulip again)
LEONARD Pez Pez Pez!
DR. LEVITICUS (Scornfully) Are you going to believe them? Don't tell me you are! (Snorts) Look at them! A paranoid schizo! A germ freak! A nut who talks to plants! Don't tell me you're actually going to take their word over mine!
SECRETARY (Stepping forward, holding out some papers to DR. CONROY) Here they are, Doctor. Those phone bills you asked for. I got them from Jerry. He found them in the garbage.
DR. LEVITICUS (Weakly, realizing that he's lost) Phone bills?
DR. CONROY Thank you, Miss Taylor. Let's see, what have we here--aha! Six long-distance calls downstate! And--my goodness, Dr. Leviticus, but they're from your phone! [Note--nope, I had no idea how phone records worked back then, either.] (Looking puzzled) Now however could that be?
DR. LEVITICUS (Snarling, as one of the PSYCHIATRISTS binds his hands behind his back until the police come) I'm not saying anymore [sic] till I consult with my lawyers! [Note--there's a slash separating the word "anymore" into "any more." It's in pencil, not pen, so it looks like I did it.]
DR. CONROY (Reading the phone bills and scowling) And would these "lawyers" be Bilwright and Jones, Dr. Leviticus? Tsk tsk. Even I recognize that firm. Didn't they go under last year?
Several POLICEMEN arrive from the L and take DR. LEVITICUS into custody. They start to take him away when he struggles and turns back.
DR. LEVITICUS As long as I live, Conroy, as long as I live, I swear I'll get even!
DR. CONROY (Mildly) And how might you do that, Dr. Leviticus?
DR. LEVITICUS How? (Laughing) How? I can do anything! I'm going to represent myself and there's no way I can lose! I've never lost a case yet! Because I'M PERRY MASON!! (Laughs crazily while he's led away, L, by the POLICE)
F. M. I think he should watch more television. I believe Perry Mason lost a case once.
Eventually everybody else except F. M. and DR. CONROY filters out, R, talking in relieved tones about their close call. The doctor puts his hands behind his back and looks around at everything but his patient. Finally he speaks up.
DR. CONROY Fisker...I'm sorry I didn't believe you. And I'm sorry I kept going off on you. This job is so stressful, working with so many nu--mentally ill persons.
F. M. That's all right, Dr. Conroy. Even my friends find me hard to live with at times. Remember, they're the ones who dropped me off here.
DR. CONROY (Chuckles uneasily) Yes--nice friends. But tell me, how did you find out about Dr. Leviticus's phone calls?
F. M. (Grinning slyly, not about to reveal his prohibited nocturnal jaunt) Oh...let's just say that I'm a pro at finding things out, Dr. Conroy, and leave it at that. [Note--hence the entire reason for the title of this play.]
DR. CONROY (Confused) All right, Fisker--F. M.. Whatever you say. Whatever you say. (Smiles and puts his arm around F. M.'s shoulder as they exit, talking and laughing quietly, R)
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