A SHARP, COLD wind blew as the double-decker bus drove down the icy highway. At the wheel was Martin Johnson, an honor student junior from Little Rock University in Michigan. Behind him sat Chernobyl Cat, who was constantly giving him directions.
"Where are we goin' anyway, Chobe?" Damien, the pop/rock singer, asked. "You never tell us anything, Zippermouth."
"To Latzy's place, Dami," Chernobyl, or 'Choby,' said. "You know Latzy, don't you? He was my Worshipful Master when I was a Mason. Turn right on the gravel road here, Martin."
"I don't mean to sound rude, but why are we going there?" Amy, whose wish was to own thousands of body-building love slaves, asked.
"He invited us. Y'see, every year he has this big celebration for all of the other Masons and their friends. He said to bring everybody along. There'll be drinks, food, music, dancing, even presents--"
"Presents!" Harvey, Damien's adopted nephew, popped up from his snooze near the back.
"--you name it," Choby said. "Latzy's always prepared for anything. You can bet there'll be a present there with your name on it. I told him who was coming and he said, 'No problem! You just bring 'em all over and we'll fix 'em right up!' [Note--missing endquotes.]
"Peppy," Damien remarked.
"The Worshipful Master sits in the east," Choby said absently. Then, "Turn here at this driveway, Martin. That's his house."
Everyone looked. A big, white, lofty farmhouse sat out in a wide, snowy field. It was almost Victorian style, with many balconies and large windows. Out behind it, to the right, was an old barn with several trees around it. Behind it was a creek.
"Wow!" Martin's friend, Psyche Cooper, said. "It looks like something out of a postcard!"
"That barn even has hex symbols on it," Martin added.
"It's an old house," Choby explained. "Wait'll you see the inside. A piano, chandeliers, winding staircases, polished floors, tapestries, crystal, china..." He trailed off while the others imagined what the inside of the house was like. "I think he has an original painting, too...Leonardo or Michelangelo..."
"Raphael and Donatello," Harvey snickered. "Cowabunga, dudes."
"Ha ha ha," Choby said as the bus pulled in. Other cars were parked beside the house, and lights burned in the windows.
"Is this house haunted?" Cynthia, Harvey's three-year-old adopted sister, asked.
"Maybe," Choby replied.
"Probably," Psyche said in a hopeful tone.
"Doubtful," Damien snorted.
Martin let the motor run for several minutes, then shut it off and opened the door.
The group filed out into the deep snow. A huge pine stood before them, its billowy limbs covered with twinkling Christmas lights. A lighted sign reading WELCOME IN! hung over the door. Choby bounded up the steps and banged the brass lionhead door knocker against the door three times, then rang the doorbell.
A brief moment later the door opened. Latzy, tall, welcoming, and cheerful, spread his arms out.
"Chernobyl!" he greeted.
"Latzy!" Choby said back. The two grasped each others [sic] arms, tapped their heads together, and said a weird word like "Wawawawawooweewoo!"
Damien put his hand to his eyes and shook his head.
"Long time no see!" Latzy exclaimed. "Come on in! The party's just starting."
"Oh boy!" Harvey exclaimed, dashing past Latzy and into the house.
"Wait a minute--!" Latzy cried, but the warning came too late. There was a scream and Harvey fell back out. On top of him was a large, furry thing with big feet and ears, dark little eyes, and a long tail. It was licking Harvey's face.
"Get it offa me! Get it offa me!" Harvey yowled.
"I'm afraid you've already met Wally," Latzy smiled, lifting the bouncing ball of fur off of the shrieking Harvey. "This is my pet wallaby. She's really my cousin's, but ol' Cousin Jerry's wife can't stand having a miniature kangaroo in the house."
"It's a she?" Amy asked, ruffling the near-hysterical creature's fur. Wally clamped her jaws over Amy's hand and shook it from side to side. "Oh, how cute!"
Latzy hauled Wally into the house while the others trailed in, stamping snow from their boots and removing their coats to hang in the coatroom porch, which was where they were. "Jerry--my cousin--knew it was a she, but thought the name Wally would be so cute for a wallaby--"
He was cut off, for now it was Amy's turn to scream as another large, hairy creature landed on her shoulder.
"AAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! WHAT IS IT!!!"
The funny-looking thing screeched and jumped onto Latzy's shoulder.
Latzy laughed. "It's only a lemur. This is Nevus." The lemur hissed and glared at the intruders, its gigantic eyes gleaming.
"Before we go in, I have to warn you that I've got a few other 'exotic' pets," Latzy said, as he opened the door to let them into a living room. Music poured into their ears as they went in. The room was filled with other people. The group noticed an emblem on the wall, a crossed square and compass with a G in the center. Amy waved to some people she'd never even met and went to talk to them, and the others began to mill around.
"So Latzy, how's thing's [sic] been?" Choby asked, casually picking up a mint from the red crystal mint bowl and unwrapping it.
"What do you mean by that?" Latzy asked, opening the door to a gold guilded [sic] cage and pulling out a mynah bird.
"Just what I said. How's things at the lodge?"
"The usual."
"Hello, baby," the mynah squawked in a funny, nasal voice.
"Oh, cute!" Esmeralda, Harvey's adopted sister, said, coming over and petting the mynah's black, shiny head. "Can he say any other things?"
"He can say a lot of things," Choby replied. He seemed to notice the mynah for the first time. "Hello, baby! Hello, baby! What's cookin', baby?"
"Bacon and eggs overeasy [sic?]," the mynah said.
Esmeralda laughed. "Wow! What else can he do?"
"Let me see him, Latzy," Choby said. Latzy handed him the bird. Choby said, "C'mon, baby, over, baby, over!"
The mynah bird did a back flip right in Choby's hand.
Cynthia and Timothy, her brother, jumped up and down, laughing and clapping.
"Thank you, thank you," the bird said, bobbing his head up and down as if bowing. "Oh please, I really don't deserve it. Aarrawwwk!"
Wally hopped up and started nuzzling the bird, which let out a shrill screech. This caught Nevus's attention, and he screeched from his side of the room.
The doorbell rang.
"Whew! What a night already," Latzy said, going to the door and looking out the peephole. "What'dye [sic] want?" he suddenly asked in a gruff voice.
The others distinctly heard an equally menacing voice shoot back, "You know very well why I'm here."
Latzy's lip curled in a snarl. The group quieted considerably. "Didn't I tell you I never wanted to see you again?"
"You must be confusing me with someone else. Y'see, I'm not the mailman, I'm the milkman."
"Oh! I see!" Latzy flung open the door with a shout and practically dragged a Shriner in.
"Hey, Tokky!" Choby yowled. "Walawalabingbang [sic]!"
"That's Alambalahalahwalawalabingbang [sic] to you," Tokky replied. [Note--recall the name of Choby's Shriners' temple from The Great Shriner Caper--"Al Ambalahalahwallawallabingbang."] "How're you doing?"
"I'm chillin', literally," Choby laughed with a shiver. Damien nudged him. "Yah?"
"What was all that ballyhoo at the door?" Damien asked in a low voice. He thought anything he said might put the Freemasons on the defensive.
"Aw, that was code," Choby said. "We always do things like that. Actually, it was really fake, but we still do it to keep people like you interested. Don't tell them I said that, though," he finished with a wink.
"So Tokky was invited too?"
"Naw, I don't think so. He's prob'ly just dropping in, the lucky dog," Choby snickered.
"'Lucky dog'?"
"Well, yeah. There's a rumor goin' 'round that ol' Tokky's gettin' hitched again."
"Again?" Damien said with more than a little confusion. "Y'mean he was married before?"
"Course he was! Got divorced a while back. His old woman was giving him trouble with the Shriners. Seemed she wanted to know the secrets of the initiates. She pestered him a lot about it. Anyway, he filed for divorce 'cause she got to threats. And he won everything." [Note--I think maybe this woman played a part in the unwritten plot.]
"Everything!'
Choby nodded. "Everything. Every last penny too. Except what was really hers," he added. "Tokky ain't no Scrooge. So this time he might settle down with a Daughter of Isis--a sort of female Shriner type." [Note--back then, I could have sworn that I'd heard of it, and maybe they really do exist--the Daughters of Isis. However, I may be mistaken and they may in fact be called the "Daughters of Isabella." Too lazy to go looking and find out.]
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