Outside the institution; all of the patients are sitting on the lawn, listening as F. M. talks to them. It's bright and sunny out, and everyone seems to be in at least a mildly good mood, save BILLY. F. M. walks around them as if he's DR. CONROY, telling them the agenda for the day.
F. M. Okay, guys, today's the big big day. Any of you ever been on an outing before?
COOKIE (Raising her hand and shaking it wildly, bouncing up and down, excited) Oh oh oh! I was once! It was fun!
F. M. That's great. Cookie, you're my assistant guide for the day.
COOKIE (Happily) Goodie!
DAVE Where exactly are we going? We're not going to be gone too long, are we? I mean, what if I have to go to the bathroom? And my nightstand is due for a dusting at three.
EDWIN (Worried) What about Henrietta and Francisca? They get lonely if I leave them alone too long. Tulips can be that way, you know. And Baker! He gets jealous if he sees me with other birches.
JARVEY I won't have to turn my head, will I?
HECTOR You only refuse to turn your head because of that implant in your neck.
F. M. I promise we'll be back before three. And don't worry, Ed, Henrietta and Francisca have plenty of company; I've scoped this place out, and there were no birches I could make out.
EDWIN (Relieved) Thank goodness. I wouldn't want to be accused of infidelity. Birches can be very temperamental, you know.
F. M. I know. And you too, Jarvey; you can walk sideways.
JARVEY (Sighing with relief) Thank goodness!
F. M. Okay then, if everybody's ready, we'll be going. All ready? (Patients nod) Okay. Let's go!
F. M. and the other patients start off towards the copse of trees, L. They walk for a while, chattering amongst themselves, as they enter the copse and trees start to go by behind them.
EDWIN Hello, my darlings! But your leaves are looking absolutely stunning today! How do you do it?
DAVE It must be Leaf and Shoulders. (Laughs weakly at his own joke)
F. M. Wow, Dave! A joke from you! Will wonders never cease!
HECTOR (Jogging up to join F. M., whispering in his ear) Don't get too comfy! In case you didn't notice, that's not Dave!
F. M. (Playing along with him) It's not? Who is it, then?
HECTOR I don't know yet, but I have reason to believe he's the Grand Cyclops of the Knights of Columbus!
F. M. Pardon me for asking, but isn't the Grand Cyclops a member of the KKK? [Note--FM is kind of out of character throughout this entire play, except for when he's being really weird and manic. I just realized, he's pretty weird and manic when he's normal. Hm.]
HECTOR Just remember what I've told you! (Falling back with the others, talking and pretending to be friendly)
They walk on for a while, chattering softly to themselves. Time passes as more trees go by. Finally F. M. stops abruptly as the trees thin out, the others bumping into each other with surprise. F. M. looks around, and spreads out his arms; they have come to a large manmade pond surrounded by pines and willows and tall grass. Everybody looks around, wowing with awe.
COOKIE. What a pretty place this is!
EDWIN (Gasping) Willows! I LOVE willows! (Runs off to L and hugs a tree)
DAVE Water! Great! I can wash my hands now! (He and the other patients, except BILLY, kneel down by the water's edge, sticking their hands in the water and giggling. After a moment DAVE suddenly splashes HECTOR with water. HECTOR, caught off-guard [sic] and surprised, shakes his head and rubs the water from his eyes, then splashes him back. Soon everybody is tossing water around playfully; someone grabs HECTOR's arm and throws him in the water with a loud splash. F. M. and BILLY stand off to the side DR, watching. F. M. joins BILLY.)
F. M. Hey Billy, how's it going? [Note--Mr. Cady put a comma between "Hey" and "Billy."]
BILLY (Sulkily) How do you think?
F. M. Don't you want to join them? It looks like fun, doesn't it?
BILLY (Snorting) Yeah, real fun! Getting all wet and messy. But it only lasts for a minute. I mean, they're crazy. Just watch.
Sure enough, after several minutes, HECTOR jumps up and claims that he's being conspired against. JARVEY, COOKIE, and DAVE deny it. EDWIN realizes the willow he's hugging has some kind of blight upon its bark, and starts wailing. In the fray JARVEY accidentally turns his head and starts freaking out. LEONARD keeps saying "Pez." And DAVE starts panicking as soon as he notices some mud on his shirt. Mayhem has ensued.
BILLY (Turning to F. M.) You see? We can't get along. We're all crazy. (Laughs bitterly)
F. M. (Frowning) All right then, say what you will. But just oblige me by watching. (Walks over to the feuding patients, puts his fingers to his mouth, and whistles loudly; all action ceases and all heads turn to him, HECTOR's arm raised to hit JARVEY) Okay, guys, enough is enough! We came out here to have some fun but you all are so intent on being crazy! Just because you're in an institution and were diagnosed with schizophrenia or depression or whatever doesn't necessarily mean you have to be crazy all the time! [Note--GREATEST QUOTE IN THIS ENTIRE PLAY.] (Spreads out his arms) Look at me--at least I can be half normal. And so can you. No matter what any head-shrinker says. So come on. Can we all have a little fun, or what?
Silence. All of the patients sit where they are, staring at him, unmoving. After several moments they suddenly burst into action again, once more fighting. BILLY looks at F. M. and smirks.
BILLY I told you so.
F. M. (Irritated) Yeah, yeah, whatever. (Stalks away a little to the DCR, and sits down sullenly, crossing his arms over his knees and placing his head on them)
The fighting continues for a few more minutes, HECTOR shouting out things such as "Treason!" "Knights of Columbus beware!" and "Oh Lord, THEY'RE ALL AROUND ME!!" Suddenly, from R, DR. CONROY and several other PSYCHIATRISTS, all in white coats, enter. DR. CONROY points at them wildly.
DR. CONROY There they are! Get them before they kill each other!
F. M. (Standing up and protesting) But Doc, we weren't doing anything--it's just a little spat, that's all.
DR. CONROY And especially him! Watch out--he might be dangerous! (The PSYCHIATRISTS close in on the patients, holding out what appear to be straitjackets; the patients quail and back away)
COOKIE (Panicky, to F. M.) Please, don't let them put those things on us! I promise I'll be good! Just don't have them tie us up like that!
JARVEY We're not crazy! We only act like it sometimes!
LEONARD (Nodding his head adamantly) Pez!
HECTOR (Hissing defensively) I knew it! I knew it all along! YOU'RE one of them, too! I won't let you get me alive! (Dashes for L; two of the PSYCHIATRISTS accost him and force the straitjacket onto him while he struggles and howls; the others bunch up near the pond, shaking; eventually all of them are restrained, and stand there, looking around, bewildered, like wild animals caught in a cage. DR. CONROY runs his hands down his face and sighs with relief)
DR. CONROY Good. Is that all of them? Where's Edwin?
PSYCHIATRIST (Coming from the direction of the willow, EDWIN in tow) Here he is. Found him hiding in the cattails.
EDWIN I didn't mean to do anything wrong! I just wanted to see the pretty plants! Really I did! (Looking at F. M., bewildered) Tell them! It's the truth, isn't it?
F. M. It is, Dr. Conroy. Really it is. It was I who decided to take them on a trip. You know, get a little air--
DR. CONROY And no more from you, either! If I were in my right mind I'd put you in solitary! All right, let's get them back before they cause any more trouble. (Indicating F. M.) Especially him!
The patients, except F. M., all exit, R, followed by the PSYCHIATRISTS and DR. CONROY. F. M. stands alone, watching after them, then looks up at the sky for a moment. DR. CONROY's voice comes from offstage, saying, "Come on! You in front, where I can see you! Hurry up!" F. M. sighs.
F. M. Crazy people are people, too. (Exit, R)
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