The group therapy room. This is a large, open room with an uncarpeted floor and white brick walls; it seems to be a converted lab or kitchen of some sort, as counters with several sinks line the walls. In the back wall, UC, are some big windows overlooking part of the institution lawn. Medical books and papers are piled haphazardly all around. Aside from self-affirmation posters upon the walls, the room is otherwise quite stark. All of DR. CONROY's patients are gathered with him, sitting in chairs arranged in a circle. F. M. is standing up by his chair, and DR. CONROY is next to him with his file, looking at the group. He closes the file and speaks.
DR. CONROY Everybody, I'd like you to meet our newest...(F. M. smiles and waggles his fingers)...resident, Fisker Martyn Zynda. [Note--I accidentally italicized FM's name there.]
F. M. Call me F. M.. Like on radio.
PATIENTS (Droning boredly) Hi F. M.-Like-On-Radio.
F. M. (To DR. CONROY) I like this place! Just call me Hi-Fi!
F. M. looks over the room. There are seven patients in all. DAVE is sitting in his chair, fidgeting, every once in a while examining his hands, and looking repeatedly at the clock. EDWIN is sitting placidly examining the ceiling with a faint smile. JARVEY MESSEL is sitting oddly, with his head turned sharply to his right side. HECTOR is looking around the room suspiciously, especially at the fish tank. COOKIE is smiling, legs crossed, bobbing her foot up and down and wildly shaking her right hand in the air. BILLY LOWMAN is slouched in his chair, arms crossed, looking sullen. And LEONARD is whispering to himself. At this moment BILLY sits up.
BILLY What's he doin' here? It's already too crowded.
LEONARD Pez.
HECTOR (To Billy) Shut up. I know what you're up to.
BILLY And what would that be?
LEONARD Pez.
DAVE (Looking at his hands and starting to panic) My hands are dirty!
DR. CONROY All right, everybody, please calm down. There's nothing to--
HECTOR (Jumping up, knocking over his chair) I tell you, it's all a big conspiracy! The Knights of Columbus are out to rule the world! They have spies everywhere!
COOKIE Is it hot in here or am I crazy? (Giggles)
DAVE (Breathing heavily, looking from one hand to the other wildly) They're getting dirtier! Where's the sink? I can see the filth building up before my eyes!!
EDWIN Is it nice outside? My babies might get cold.
LEONARD Pez.
DR. CONROY (Screaming) WOULD EVERYBODY PLEASE QUIET DOWN!!
Everybody sits down and shuts up, but BILLY and HECTOR still look sulky.
DR. CONROY (Sighing and rubbing between his eyes) All right. That's much better. Now, today we're all going to share what's on our minds, just like we do every other week. There's no reason to go cr--(Catching himself, finding a better phrase)--get upset over nothing. Now that we're all calmed down, we'll start. Cookie, why don't you start us off?
COOKIE Well, um--oh yeah, I got a letter from my friend in Colorado. [Note--the carriage return between Dr. Conroy's and Cookie's lines is missing; I penciled in an indication that a space was needed.]
DR. CONROY Is that so? Well, what did Jessica have to say to you, Cookie?
COOKIE She said she's got a new roommate and she hopes I get better and settle down. (Starts shaking both hands and bobbing both legs up and down, looking puzzled) I wonder what she meant by that?
DR. CONROY (Sighing) All right. Edwin, what's on your mind today?
EDWIN Martha grew a new sprout! I'm so happy for her! I'm going to get some of those candy cigars from Jerry and pass them out; I think I'll name him Franz. [Note--Jerry was the name of one of the high school janitors.]
DR. CONROY (Looking strained and glancing around the room, as if searching for a bit of sanity) Okay. Leonard, what are you thinking?
LEONARD Pez.
DR. CONROY Okay! Who next? Billy, what's on your mind?
BILLY Nothing important! Just the fact that every day we get a little older and a little closer to the Big Dump.
F. M. "Big Dump"?
BILLY Yeah. We're all gonna die someday, aren't we? So what's the point of living anyway? (Snorts and sinks back in his chair, arms crossed, looking sulky)
DR. CONROY That's nice to know, Billy. Okay. Jarvey, how are things going for you this morning? Jarvey, will you look at me, please? I feel like I'm talking right through you.
JARVEY Of course. That was pretty rude. I'm sorry. (Turns his head and looks at DR. CONROY, then screams) OH MY GOD! NO! I'VE DONE IT AGAIN! NOT THE LEFT! ANYTHING BUT THE LEFT!! OH GOD!!
DR. CONROY (Turning to DAVE) All right, Dave, how's it going?
DAVE (Still staring at his hands, though somewhat calmed down now) My hands...is it just me or is the dirt building up right before my eyes?
DR. CONROY It's just you, Dave. There's nothing to worry about. You just washed your hands ten minutes ago. They're clean. Don't worry.
DAVE (Sighing with relief) Thank goodness. I could swear they were getting dirtier already! (Looking at the clock, frowning again) But it's so late. Do these meetings always run this long? I can't remember if I made my bed this morning.
HECTOR You made it.
DAVE But are you sure? I really don't know...
HECTOR (Sitting forward, getting angry) Hey, you callin' me a liar? You are! That's what you're doing! I knew it! I knew it all along! You're with them! You're with the K of C! I'd know that face anywhere!
BILLY Who cares. We're all gonna die anyway.
DAVE But I can't get through the day if my bed's not made right! Did I tuck in the covers? And my shoes--did I put them beside the nightstand? (Gasping) I can't remember! I don't think I did! Oh Lord, what if they're gathering dust by now?! What am I gonna do? (Breaks down in his chair, weeping loudly)
For a few moments they all just sit there, silent, knowing how crazy they all sound. Finally DR. CONROY clears his throat and starts talking again.
DR. CONROY All right...Hector? We haven't spoken to you yet. How are you feeling?
HECTOR (Eyeing DR. CONROY suspiciously) Why you wanna know?
DR. CONROY Well, I'm your psychiatrist, Hector. It's my job to ask.
HECTOR (Scowling, his voice growing steadily louder) My psychiatrist? My psychiatrist? What, do you think I'm crazy? Of course you do! (Laughing wildly) That's what they all think! But I'll show them sooner or later! You see, I'm one up on you! That's right! I've got an ace in the hole! You and your Knights don't stand a chance! You know why? 'Cause COLUMBUS DIDN'T DISCOVER AMERICA!!
DR. CONROY Okay...F. M., we haven't spoken to you yet. What do you think of Northampton?
F. M. Well--for one thing, why's it called that?
DR. CONROY Because it--I--(looking puzzled) I really don't know, F. M.. Maybe Dr. Leviticus can tell you. Anyway, is everybody up for a game?
BILLY (Whining) A game? What do you think we are, little kids?
COOKIE Can we play the Thinking, Feeling, Doing game? That's my favorite! [Note--there was a game with a name at least much similar to this, which my old psychologist had. A friend of mine, who had visited the same psychologist, and I used to poke fun at this game.] I love pretending to be an airplane! (Makes an airplane noise and holds out her arms, pretending to fly)
HECTOR (Whispering to F. M.) You see that? You know what it is that she's doing there? That's the secret code of the Knights of Columbus.
F. M. I'll keep that in mind.
DR. CONROY Well--since it seems Cookie's the only one who's feeling up to a game, I suppose we'll have to postpone it until later.
COOKIE Awww! (Flops back in her chair, pouting)
DR. CONROY Before we go, does anybody have anything they'd like to share with us? You, Jarvey. You look like you'd like to tell us something. What is it?
JARVEY (Whimpering) Don't trick me again...I'm starting to think maybe you are with the Knights of Columbus.
HECTOR Hey now, don't you go doing that! I know you're a spy for them, and you're only trying to trick me! Yeah, I've seen you on Unsolved Mysteries! You're that guy who planted plutonium implants in people's fillings and brainwashed them with country music the metal conducted! I knew it all along! (Whispering to F. M. again) You see what I'm talking about? I'm starting to think you're the only one I can trust around here. After all, they haven't been able to corrupt your mind yet. And don't worry, I won't let them either! (Sits up, looking smug)
F. M. ...Thanks, Hector. I'll do my best to live up to your expectations. (Turns to audience, crossing his eyes and sticking out his tongue, and twirls his finger at the side of his head)
DR. CONROY Well, everybody, that's all for this week. You're free to go use the rec room until five, when we'll be having dinner in the ward. Goodbye.
The patients all get up and leave, R, COOKIE talking to JARVEY, who looks miserable as he walks away with his head still turned to the side. HECTOR goes last, darting glances behind him, as well as meaningful looks at F. M.. F. M. looks at DR. CONROY as he leaves, and DR. CONROY simply sighs and slumps down in HECTOR's vacated chair, rubbing his eyes wearily. [Note--didn't Hector knock his chair over earlier...? Hm.]
DR. CONROY Mom was right. I should've become a lawyer.
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