Rachel H. [last name omitted]
"Hi! I'm the Loch Ness Monster. I'll take you on a tour. We're going to see what the WTNT T. V. station is up to. Come on."
"Hi, Bal Val Hal!" "Hi, Ness!" "This is Bal Val Hal, our newsperson. "Yi! Oh, I did'nt [sic] see you there. Hello. Oh! You're just in time to see a documentary on fleas." "Uh, I think we've heard enough, Bal. Bye." "Bye to you."
[Illustration: Bal Val Hal, in a suit and tie, seated at a newsdesk and waving; the Loch Ness Monster is walking away, looking over his shoulder at Bal and waving in response. To the right you can see the camera man, his camera marked "WTNT T. V."; in addition, there's an odd little scribble-bird sitting on Bal Val Hal's desk, completely ignored by the other people. An arrow guides the reader to the next page.]
"Well, well, well! Are we in luck! There's Scaredy Question Kitten right there. He's usually too scared to be out. Hi there!" "Yeaaah! Oh, it's just you. Hi, everybody. Oh! I mean, fife, fefpherphyfodyf." "He always gets too close to the microphone. Sorry." "This isn't a peoples' [sic] poll, is it?" "No, it isn't." "Oh, thank heavens!" "Why do you ask?" "Because the sky is blue." "What?" "Because--oh, sorry! Fphephfaufe fa phfy fizz flphlue." "By [sic], Scaredy." "Flyph."
[Illustration: The Loch Ness Monster, craning his neck forward toward Scaredy Question Kitten; Scaredy is holding a microphone, his muzzle pressed right to it. (Scaredy is a anthropomorphic tabby cat.) The camera man is again off to the right. And the odd little scribble-bird is now perched atop Ness's head. Nobody notices it.]
"Boy, it's loud here! There's the Roving Reporter! Let's go see him." "This is your Roving Reporter, on the busy streets, of New York!" "Hi!" "Hello! And what's your name?" "Oh, come on. You know what my name is. It's Ness." "Nice name! Now, tell me, have you tried Sgiddler's Crunch yet?" "Well, no, but--" "Oh, too bad! Have you tried--uh--ah! Here it is. Have you tried Ne--ne...Nessie's Crunch?" "Nessie's Crunch?! Let me see that. Hmmm... That's Nestle's [sic] Crunch, not Nessie's Crunch!" "Oh, sorry. Well, this is your Roving Reporter, on the busy streets, of New York!" "Vroom!" "What was that?" "It was me!" "Who are you?" "The sound effects person. Tick, tick. Boom! Crash! Eeek!" "Well, let's move on."
[Illustration: The Loch Ness Monster standing on a sidewalk, in front of a window or sign that reads "Pisa's Pizza Place" and has an image of the Tower of Pisa and a pizza; the Roving Reporter stands in the middle, in a suit and tie, holding a microphone and smiling widely at the viewer. To the right is the Sound Effects Person, vibrating wildly as he crashes a pair of cymbals together with a "Crash!" A car is driving past them in the foreground, the driver staring back at them with wide eyes. Off to the left is the camera man, and again the odd little scribble-bird, perched atop the camera; nobody notices it.]
"I love to eat berries." 'Thank you for signing that out to me, Oakie." "You're smelly." "What?!" "Sorry, monster." "This is Oakie. [Note--"Oakie" was the name I gave a skunk puppet of mine. He came with the brand name tag in his ear and when I cut it off, the little plastic tab was still attached; I decided to leave it, and it became Oakie's "hearing aid." I made Oakie deaf (I guess the hearing aid didn't work...?), so he communicated via sign language.] He still has a lot to learn about sign language." "Bury the sun." "What?" "Pour the window. Sorry. Have'nt [sic] learned that yet." "That's okay. I mean, that's Oakie-dokie." Fffph. "Oh (choke!), that smells! I'd better (cough, sneeze!) take a tomato bath!"
[Illustration: The Loch Ness Monster, his hands grasping his neck and a sick look on his face, his tongue hanging out; Oakie crouches to the right, his tail in the air and fumes emitting from him. The camera man is off to the left. And the odd little scribble-bird is now perched atop Oakie's head, unnoticed.]
"This is our sound effects person again. Will you do some sound effects for us?" "Sure! Here's my impression of a piece of pizza falling. Glop. Was'nt [sic] that terrific?!" "Uh, very." "Now here's what it sounds like when your heel is healing." "No thanks."
[Illustration: The Loch Ness Monster, covering his eyes with his hands in a look of exasperation; the Sound Effects Person stands to the right, smiling cheerily as he drops something on the floor with a "Glop." The camera man is off to the left. And the odd little scribble-bird, unnoticed, is perched atop the Sound Effects Person's head.]
"And now, a word from our sponsor! Oops! I broke the video tape." "Patch it up with this." "Great! Watch this commercial. It's great." "I, love, you." Din din, din din. Din din, din din. "I love you, wearing perfume." "Din din, din din. Din din, din din. "Romance, is the latest perfume." Din din, din din. Din din, din din. "It's the only, perfume, I've ever tried before (but it's still the best!)." Din din din, din. "Romance, is the latest perfume." Din din, din din. "And you wanna know something?" "What?" "And I, love, it, too." Din, din din din!" "Oh! I didnt [sic] know you loved it. "Yeah, sure I do!" "Wah wha wah!" "Wha wha wah!" [Note--now I remember. Holy crap, I can't believe I forgot this. It was supposed to be a man singing about perfume, with this tangolike music playing; then a woman cut in at the end and they started conversing about the product. The "din din" is the music, and the "wah wah" at the end was the two people blithering as the commercial faded out. The oddly placed commas were my attempt at indicating the pauses in the singing, or when the people drew out a note. To approximate part of it more closely: "And IIIIIII looooove iiiiit tooooooo!" The little musical flourish at the end is exactly like that at the end of the Grease song "Those Magic Changes"--if you've ever heard that.]
[Illustration: A bottle of perfume, label reading "Romance," sitting on a shelf while the camera man films it; he looks a bit peeved. The odd little scribble-bird is perched on the shelf beside the perfume, presumably unnoticed.]
"This is the nonsense person. Listen to him, and you'll get confused." "Wait! Don't change that channel! We have a special leg broadcast! Get it, cast? Hah hah! The lone horse will flee soon! Better go get it! Here is a peace pole with a flag of truce on it. Show it to the Indians." "Here comes Oakie!" "Will you loan me your soul--I mean, sole?" "Hey, you're my kinda man! You're my main mane!" "This is really stupid." "This is the hall network. Goodbye." "Yes. Goodbye."
[Illustration: A person--I assume it's the Nonsense Person--throwing his arms up in the air and talking or yelling cheerily skyward, while Oakie sits in front of him, doing something in front of his face with his hands--signing?--making noises?--expressing exasperation? You can just barely see the Loch Ness Monster's tail disappearing to the left. The camera man is turning to the viewer, hands thrown up in frustration, and he's saying, "I can't film this junk!" The odd little scribble-bird is perched atop the Nonsense Person's head, unnoticed by anyone.]
"Fix the antenna. This picture is terrible. Oh, hi--" "Dog pores are clean. Haul the moon into your house--" "Cut that out, Oakie." "Sorry." "Well, we have to leave now. Say goodbye, everybody!" "Goodbye!" "Bye!"
[Illustration: Top frame--a group shot with, from left to right, the Loch Ness Monster, Oakie (peeking out from behind Scaredy's leg), Scaredy Question Kitten, the Sound Effects Person, Bal Val Hal, the Roving Reporter, and the Nonsense Person; all are labeled, and all are waving, but for the Sound Effects Person--who's setting off firecrackers with a "Pow!" while an unnamed person in the background leaps into the air and yells, "Yee!"--and the Nonsense Person, who's peering around the wall (?) on the right at the viewers with a mad, wide-eyed grin. The odd little scribble-bird is perched atop the Nonsense Person's head, and is labeled, "Strange Bird!" Bottom frame--the erstwhile camera man, labeled and scowling at the viewer, holding a little mugshot identification sign in his hands which reads, "666. For Molesting camera."]
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