This was based on a dream of mine, the full text of which is given in the second/final version. A date in the file (when the diary entry was posted, most likely) is 7/11/01, so it probably dates from around then. (The dream itself is from 3/27/01.)
Original Version
THE SHIP SAILED sedately over the emerald water, the debris of the completed battle bobbing around it. The husks of tiny toy ships drifted past, half sinking, some shattered beyond recognition.
The victorious ship, as well as its crew, were invisible. All except the young pirate who stood in the prow, eyes focused straight ahead. She had already surveyed the wreckage, and had cheered with her invisible men at every blow; now there was still other booty to be gotten, and rowdiness would have to wait for later. If anyone had watched, it would have looked as if she drifted over the water alone, feet several inches above the shimmering green surface. The wind seemed to carry her along.
The ship sailed into a small lagoon surrounded by tall stands of green-black pine. The sands sparkled pink as coral. The pirate splashed her feet in the water almost boredly as they went, kicking aside a shard of wood. She watched one of the little toy ships bob past. Now that it was over, the battle seemed rather ridiculous. Her large invisible ship against a fleet of tiny toys...nevertheless she had won, thus there was no reason to complain.
It had hardly seemed a fair battle...but since when were pirates meant to be fair?
To be certain, she had not always been a pirate. She knew she had had a life before this one, a normal life...among normal people. But that had been long ago. She'd been just a baby then, when the pirates had taken her from her family. If this had been a different life, if she had been a different person, then, she might have been angry about it. She might have hated her kidnappers for taking her away from the life she had loved. But...she had been too young to remember any of it...and how could one miss a life they had never known?
For all she knew, her family, her own people had been nothing. Nobodies. Normal. Her life now--her second life, her "new" family--the only family she had ever known--they were her real family, those who had cared for her, and they were not normal. Not abnormal, either, but...special, somehow. How many "normal" families would spend their days upon an invisible ship, pillaging toys, celebrating with pirates as friends?
She hadn't known her previous life...and yet she doubted she would have missed it.
She caught sight of something ahead and perked up, woken out of her scattered thoughts. Another ship lay ahead, battered and broken, but still afloat. And it was not a toy. It was big.
She waved an arm and called out to her crew, commanding them to make a course straight for the damaged vessel. The invisible ship adjusted its course and as they drew closer the pirate got her first good look at its passengers.
This, it appeared, was a civilian ship. None of the people aboard looked to be pirates or sailors. Instead they were a jumbled mix of men, women, and children in plain drab clothing--normal people. On a normal ship.
She detested them already.
The invisible ship came in closer and finally pulled up next to the damaged vessel. Her crewmen tossed a rope ladder across. She knew the civilians couldn't see her crew, but knew they were there nonetheless. Just because they were normal did not mean they had never come across her own kind before.
She seized the rope and pulled herself across, clambering aboard the ship, not looking back to see how many of her men followed her. She knew they were there. She was more interested in the civilians. They had been waiting for their ship to be boarded since it was hit, and now they stood in wary rows, eyes focused on her as if waiting to see what move she would make next. She knew they feared her.
That fact made her smile.
She stepped up to one of them, a middle-aged man, with a swagger in her step, and stared him in the face defiantly. She liked that she could look him in the eye without looking up--she'd disliked being short--only to realize, she'd never had to look up at anyone anyway.
So why should she expect to now?
Frowning inwardly, she shrugged off the mental discrepancy and grinned at the older man. He didn't bow his head submissively, as she would have preferred...his look was nearly as defiant as hers was. Not a good thing. Still, she could tell he was afraid, and that was good enough.
"Anything of interest on this little tub of yours?" she asked casually, sauntering around him, glancing around herself.
No one answered. As she expected. She didn't care. Silence meant fear. It was good that these people were afraid. That meant she was doing her job properly.
She smiled again as she turned to face the silent passengers, putting a hand on her hip--but then she noticed something odd--a chest of drawers, an old dresser or vanity with paint flaking and peeling, sitting upon the deck. Its mirror stood begrimed with years of dust.
The corner of her mouth turned up. "Well!" she said, making her way toward the old dresser. "Looks as if you left a little something out for me, after all."
She expected the older man to jump forward to prevent her from reaching it. She'd caught a glimpse of his face and could tell he was not happy that she'd discovered the dresser. Still, he made no move, gave no sound, so she assumed he held back merely to avoid being run through. Her fingers were itching today to use her sword, though she wasn't really a violent person.
What do you mean? You're a pirate. You're supposed to be violent!
She ignored the voice and, reaching the dresser, suddenly felt like giving it a kick, just to see the response. She imagined her crew laughing raucously while the civilians cringed in horror. Yet, she didn't do it. For some reason that didn't seem right, and for some reason she wanted to know just what the dresser contained, that had the others so on edge.
She reached it and looked down.
Books. Books stood in a little row atop the dresser, lined up in front of the dusty mirror. They were all old battered hardcovers, verging on mildewy, yet her interest was piqued. She loved books. Especially those that would take her to a different place. Yes, being with the pirates was a good life...but didn't everybody wish to be taken away once in a while?
She reached down and pulled one out, dusting off its cover and turning it to look at the spine. Its title glinted dimly, gold gilt against brown.
It was strange...but the title seemed vaguely familiar to her. Like something from her childhood. Only, she knew she had never seen it before. All the books that had intrigued her enough in her childhood, were right with her on her ship. She'd never wanted for anything; what she wanted was hers. The other pirates had always seen to that. And so if she had ever seen this book, remembered it enough, with such fondness as she looked upon it now (where was that feeling coming from?), it would be upon her ship, with her other belongings.
Yet she knew she owned no such book...
Once more she shrugged it off. Deja vu. So she'd been getting the annoying feeling all day. It didn't mean a thing. Looking back on it now she was pretty sure she had a book that was similar to this, perhaps a sequel or a prequel, but not this book exactly. That was where the odd feeling came from. She decided to take a peek to see if it were as interesting as it seemed, since it had caught her attention so quickly. Nowadays it took a lot to get her attention. She assumed there had to be some...reason she'd first pulled out this book and no other.
She opened the musty cover and was confronted with a barrage of scribbled notes just upon the title page. Puzzled, she started flipping through it further, and found that the scribbling filled up the margins of almost every page.
Somehow, she knew that these notes had been scribbled in here by the author herself. They were notes of interest to the reader, clarifying on details within the work, pointing out intriguing bits, explaining things further. The pirate smiled again. She could tell that whoever had written this book, and then given it away as a gift, most likely to a close friend, had cared very much for her work. She had liked to write a lot, when she was younger...she knew how it felt to have someone like your writing. Apparently this person had felt the same way, and had shown their thanks to their reader by jotting down these notes, and giving them this book...
She let the pages flip shut. She suddenly wanted this book. By now she was certain it was connected to the other book (which one?) she already possessed, and she knew that she would never be happy without it. What good is a book without its sequel?
She peered inside the back cover, knowing the price was likely to be posted there. The book carried a cost of $38.
This is an exorbitant price just for a little battered hardcover...I don't wish to pay that much. It would be a waste.
With a resigned sigh she placed the book back between its companions and started to turn back toward the civilians, when--
What am I THINKING! I'm a pirate! I don't have to pay for the book, I can just TAKE it!
She shook her head to clear it. What cloud was she dwelling in today! Her thought processes seemed to be all jumbled up. Refusing a book because it cost too much! How silly could she get? First to think she had been shorter once, then to think she had owned this book, and then to worry over paying for it...
She scowled inwardly, hoping her own crew didn't chuckle behind her back. She knew they were better than that, but still, her behavior had gotten pretty weird...
With a snort she retrieved the book from the dresser again, tucking it under her arm and spinning on her heel to face the civilians. As she did so, something slipped from between the pages of the book and fell to the ground. She wouldn't have noticed it if it hadn't been brightly colored, as it fell so lightly it made no sound.
With another puzzled frown she glanced down at them--the civilians seemed to hold their breath--and then stooped to pick them up. She stood straight and brought them up to her face to get a better look at them.
It was a couple of little cardboard cutouts, nothing more. One in blue and one in orange, both of them roughly round and stuck together with cellophane tape. Very childishly constructed and assembled; she wasn't even certain what they were meant to be. Both bore abstract scrawls upon their surface, vague drawings that took her a moment to decipher.
Her frown only grew. On first seeing what they were she had meant to toss them away again, but for some reason the drawings drew her in...they seemed...
...Familiar...
She turned the little cutouts over and over in her hand and in her mind. There was no denying it now...she knew she had seen these before. And the book. And she knew there had been a time when she had been so short that she never would have been able to look a grown man in the eye, yet when she had had to face them anyway...
The realization began to come to her that...
...she had made these drawings, had cut these things out, years ago, when she was little...
...and here they had been between the pages of a book that seemed familiar, a book she was almost certain she had owned, sometime in the past...
...sitting upon this old dresser on a civilian ship that she was in the act of plundering.
Her mind filled with chaos and confusion. But this can't be! I was only a baby when they took me--I never had a normal childhood! I've been with them my whole life! I NEVER made these drawings, I NEVER owned this book, I NEVER had to face any of them before!...
She whirled to face the middle-aged man she had first walked up to on boarding. He still stared at her, his eyes guarded. And she could tell that--he'd known all along. Who she was. What she was. Where she came from.
How long she had really been gone.
Furious, she tossed the book aside; it struck the deck with a dull thump and bounced against the edge of the dresser, taking a fleck of paint with it. She stormed over to the man and on reaching him seized him by the collar, lifting him onto his toes as she never would have been able to do, back when--
"What are these?" she demanded, shoving the little colorful cutouts in his face. A hysterical note entered her voice but she couldn't stop it as her confusion only grew. "Where di dyou [sic] get them? HOW did you get them? What are they doing on this ship?"
As she questioned him her voice grew louder and louder until she screamed, shaking him back and forth like a terrier shaking a rat. And though his eyes filled with fear he said nothing. She expected him to talk, to plead with her, to ask her to spare his life, or to tell her she had never been gone as long as she'd thought--she had had a normal life, once, long ago, yet not so long ago--she had been one of them--she expected him to ask her to come back, to tell her how awful the pirates were for taking her away, to apologize for letting them take her away, for taking so long to find her to bring her back--she expected a hundred explanations and apologies from him and more, she just expected...she expected him to make things right again. Because now that she knew...things were not right...they never had been right...and she hadn't even known, until now, what the truth even was.
I'm a pirate--I am, I really am! I always have been! ALWAYS...
But...not if I was once one of them...that means I was never really a pirate in the first place...it was all a lie...they ALL lied to me, my people, the pirates, myself...no one ever bothered to tell me the truth, and all the while I just deluded myself into thinking I was really one of them, I was really one of EITHER of them...
Now that she knew--which was she? Normal, or pirate, or both, or worse yet...neither?
Still, no matter how loudly she screamed, no matter how angry and betrayed she felt--betrayed most of all not by those who had "taken" her away, but by those who had let her be taken, and had let her keep believing for this long--his eyes, his mouth offered no explanation, no apology, nothing of the sort. He only stared at her, eyes knowing, knowing that she now knew, yet offering nothing. His look was not apologetic nor even afraid anymore. It merely said, Now you know.
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