AUTHOR'S NOTE: Segment of writing taken from my old online journal. See if you can guess which character of mine is writing it to which other character.
Deep Dark Secrets
07/10/02
2:59 am EDT
This is an unsent letter from one of my characters to...another one of my characters. ^_^ It's loosely based on an idea from a journal prompt site that instructs you to write a letter to yourself from someone who knows you.
I'm boring; so why would I want to write a letter to myself? My characters are more interesting.
See if you can guess who they are--though I doubt anyone can!
Theme: "deep dark secrets"
Hello,
I know I will never send you this letter. You don't even know it's not the first. There are a lot of times I've written to you over the years (yes, years, isn't it pathetic?), but I never send them. For a while it was because I couldn't, literally. Now it's because I prevent myself. You know yourself I'm a coward, don't you?
Of course you would never tell me. I know you. You would tell me I'm strong or some such bull. You were always too thoughtful for your own good. It's probably why you keep ending up getting hurt, yet you're not bitter yet. I really don't understand you sometimes.
I was about to lose the point of this letter and ask you why you bother to keep believing, when so many things are stacked against you...but maybe that's a letter for another day. Maybe you don't even know why, yourself. Maybe I just don't want to know, because it's not the way I am. We held that conversation already, and neither of us knew for sure.
I wrote this letter simply to let you know my deep dark secret. I already spoiled it at the beginning; I've never been good at writing letters! I have a box, stored in a drawer in my room. It's not a big box. But it's big enough. It's half full of envelopes stuffed with letters. Letters which I wrote to you but never sent. Some of them are from back then...you know...when I was with them. I was very, very careful with those; I was certain I would get in trouble just for having them on me. But in the end it didn't really matter. They didn't want me. Who would?
I think maybe that's why I bothered writing the letters. I had hoped, somewhere, that you might. Why would you? I don't know...and I think I've rather grown out of the phase of hoping. I know that you have someone else. I know what you told me; maybe, if you and she had never met, there might have been something between us, long ago. But that's not the way things turned out...I'm not angry or bitter, I hope you know. Just in case. I could never be angry with someone like you.
Did you know you have the power to change people? I think you've changed everyone you've ever met. Of course you would just laugh and say, "Right!" if I said this to your face. But it's true. It always has been. Since you were born, you changed everyone who ever knew you. And I don't mean in some dinky "Everybody changes everybody" way, either. Real changes. It's simply who you are.
But I wandered away again there. Grr. I need to learn how to focus. That's always been a problem of mine. My other letters are just as bad, you should know. Another reason why it was best never to send them. You would probably laugh your ass off if you read them and never knew who wrote them! And I would be grateful that I had at least given you a laugh. You're beautiful when you smile. Thousands of people have known this for years, and they're right, you know. You are not just a face or a voice. You're beautiful inside and out.
(I can practically hear you cackling by now. Out of embarrassment. You can get embarrassed pretty easily for such a public person!)
All of these are things I would never tell you to your face. Unless I knew that you felt the same way for me as I feel for you. I know that you don't, and so I'm going to put this letter in that box as soon as I'm done. And I'll probably never read it, because my letters to you are so pale compared to everything you've given me. You don't even know it yet. With the way you are, I don't think you ever will. You always refuse to believe your impact on others. How can you be so blind sometimes? You're such an insightful person otherwise. Open your eyes! Take a look around. You will be hard pressed to find anyone who hasn't been changed by the things that you've done. Most often changed for the better.
You've always been one of the most confident people I know. But I've seen a part of you that never quite believes in yourself. Stop sometime and pay attention to that part. Trust me, you will be surprised. You can wear a bold mask, but I've known you longer than she has...and I get the feeling even she knows, or suspects, by now. There's a part of you that's wounded, that you won't show the world. That must be what your deep dark secret is. You feel you always have to appear as if it doesn't bother you--you had to grow up fast, learn to fend for yourself--but I know it does. Here is another reason I won't mail this letter; I know if I told you this, it would humiliate you and you would deny it again. But I do wish you would look at it sometime. You owe yourself that.
You've spent so much time helping so many other people. Now spend a little bit of that time helping yourself. There's a lot that you give to others. There's so much more that you can give to yourself, that you deserve. I know you deserve it.
I don't know if I lost the purpose of this letter or not. I've never been good at focusing, especially after they let me go. Do you ever have that problem? I suppose I'll never know. The next time I see you, I'll wear a bold mask and you'll wear yours. But at least I know we will see each other, which is good enough for now.
I will never stop believing in you...even if I don't always understand where you're coming from.
Love,
E.
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